How to Support a Man Who is Grieving: A Therapist's Guide

Takeaway: Grief is a universal experience that everyone experiences independently and uniquely. When a man in your life is struggling after a significant loss, you might wonder, how do men grieve? What do I say to a grieving man? In this blog, I'll walk you through some warning signs of grief and some ways to support a man experiencing grief.

When a family member or loved one is grieving, it's natural to want to offer support and guidance. However, men tend to grieve differently than women, and their struggles can often be overlooked or misunderstood. This can lead to feelings of guilt and uncertainty as you wonder if you're supporting him in the best possible way. 

As a therapist, I've seen how crucial it is to understand and validate the emotions of men who are grieving. By recognizing the unique ways men express their emotions and offering support tailored to their needs, you can help the man grieving in your life navigate this difficult time. 

In this article, I'll share practical tips and insights on how to support someone after a loved one’s death, from recognizing the signs of grief to creating a safe space for him to express his emotions. By doing so, you can help him feel seen, heard, and supported as he works through his pain.

Signs of Grief in Men 

Part of supporting a grieving man is understanding how men tend to grieve. While mental health professionals are trained in how to spot the warning signs of grief, you might not be.

When the man in your life is struggling, it's difficult to focus on the specifics of how to help them cope. It might seem like there's nothing you can do.

However, knowing how men grieve, specifically how your loved one handles difficult emotions, is the first step toward supporting them through the grieving process.

Internalizing Emotions 

When experiencing traumatic grief, men often internalize their emotions, struggling to express their pain and sadness. The grieving person may feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable, leading them to conceal their true emotions behind a mask of strength and stoicism.

This can prevent grieving men from openly coping with their loss, causing their emotions to build up and intensify over time. Even the act of crying, a natural and necessary release of emotions, can be suppressed. The longer this goes on, the worse the male grief will be. 

Isolation 

When men grieve, they often withdraw physically and emotionally from their loved ones and social interactions. This can manifest in different ways, such as avoiding family gatherings or social events, spending more time alone, neglecting responsibilities or tasks, isolating from hobbies or activities they once enjoyed, or even taking extended leaves of absence from work or school.

Irritability and Anger

Men who have experienced a loss may also become more irritable, getting easily annoyed by minor problems or incidents. They may snap at a loved one for a small mistake, feel agitated by noise or disruptions, or become impatient with others who don't understand their grief.

Anger is another common emotion men experience in mourning. They may direct their anger at themselves, feeling guilty or regretful about things left unsaid or undone. They may also have angry outbursts directed at others, perceiving them as responsible for the loss, or even at the universe or fate, feeling a sense of injustice or unfairness.

Thoughts of Death and Dying 

Men may also experience persistent thoughts of death. They may replay the final moments of their loved one's life in their mind, ruminate on the circumstances surrounding the death, dwell on thoughts of their own demise, and experience recurring dreams or nightmares related to death.

If you notice your grieving friend is showing signs of depression, talking about suicide, or coping in a way that could increase their risk of hurting themself, it's important to reach out to someone for help.

Impulsive and Risky Behavior 

Men may attempt to cope with their pain by turning to substance abuse, using alcohol or drugs to numb the emotional pain.

This can lead to increased drinking or drug abuse, using substances to self-medicate and avoid dealing with their grief, engaging in risky or addictive behaviors, neglecting responsibilities and relationships due to substance use, and even experiencing physical or mental health consequences as a result of substance abuse.

5 Ways to Support Men Through the Grieving Process

It’s not uncommon to feel confused about how to comfort a grieving man, regardless of your role in their life. You might be afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, but like there's no right or wrong way to handle grief, there's also no foolproof way to support a bereaved person.

1. Just Listen

Think about how you felt the last time you were grieving and what you needed during that time. Did the people around you provide bereavement support, or did they remain silent, letting you deal with your own grief?

You probably didn't have the capacity to verbalize what you needed after your loved one died, but you knew company helped you with coping. The grieving person in your life probably feels similarly. Instead of trying to figure out or assume what to say or do, just listen.

Help your friend process their grief by simply being present.

2. Help Them Create Their Own Memorial 

Memorializing family and friends who have passed is one of the most common ways men and women alike grieve. Some men may prefer conducting their own private rituals rather than something public.

Addressing the pain and other feelings they have about the death of a loved one could be too overwhelming, so taking a more hands-off approach to support may be the best route to take. However, what's more important is helping them cherish the memories of their loved one

3. Be Patient 

Many men feel shame about their grief, worrying that if they don’t ascribe to societal or cultural expectations about grieving a loved one, they’ll be perceived as weak. This is one of the ways that male grief differs from how society expects women to handle death and loss.

Because of this, men may not provide much detail to the person supporting them. Be patient with them as they work through their emotions during this difficult time, giving them space and time to reach out when they're ready.

4. Make Plans 

Distraction is a coping mechanism many people use to deal with losing a loved one. When you don't have to think about the trauma, it's easier to make it through the day.

Make plans with the man in your life to help them achieve a healthy level of distraction as they strive.

When men mourn, they may also have an increase in risk-taking behaviors. That's why making plans together can act as a means of support and a safety measure.

Support groups are another way to help them navigate grief. When men experiencing grief can be around other grieving people, they may feel more comfortable to express their feelings, cry, or gain the confidence to speak openly about what they’re going through.

5. Encourage Them to Talk With a Mental Health Professional

Sometimes, grief doesn’t resolve itself. Although it never “goes away” per se, many men deal with symptoms that align with a complicated grief diagnosis.

But whether it rises to a clinically significant level or not, talking with a mental health professional is always a good idea.

At Madrega Wellness, we specialize in working with men in all phases of life–especially in periods of grief and loss. Working with a male therapist can help men feel validated in a world that isn't always supportive when it comes to men's mental health. If you're looking for support during your grief journey, contact us today to see how we can help.